Today was hard, it sucks when one little thing sets you off. It could be the fact that your doctor is making you wear orthopedic shoes which are not cute and do not complete any outfit. Or that you ran into someone you know when your hair was a mess and you had no makeup on. Then comes the thought spiral: Now what do people think? I’m the fat girl who has given up on looking good. I let myself go. Or wow, Hayley looks terrible today. Do I really want to be seen with her? Which leads to me feeling like I’m not good enough. People don’t want to hang out with me. They would want to if I was thin. I could try to lose weight. I’m already hungry, and I haven’t eaten in hours. This is a good time to start. But that’s my eating disorder talking.
The other part of my brain says I’m beautiful and no one cares (or notices) if I’m not wearing makeup and my hair is a mess. And if they do, fuck them! They have no right to judge me or anyone for the way I look! I’m fat, and I have just as much of a right to exist and take up space.
The problem is when both of those voices are competing in my head, fighting for my attention, I don’t feel sane. I feel out of control and insane. I want to have control over my brain and my thoughts. I’m still struggling to make that mean part of my brain quieter. I’m trying to practice more kindness and compassion for myself and challenge those bad thoughts that come up. It’s a process.