Today I had a realization. When I was at my thinnest, I was often the most depressed. I think it was because after the pride and glory of being thin wore off, I realized it didn’t solve any of my problems. It wasn’t the magical experience I thought it would be.
Sure I got more attention from boys, but it wasn’t positive attention. As much as I want men to be attracted to me, beauty fades. And I want to find someone who loves and wants me for what’s inside. The boys I was with when I was thin liked me because of the way I looked. It may be harder for me to find someone now, but I don’t just want anyone. I want someone who wants me for who I am. Now it’s easier to wade through the boys and find the men.
My eating disorder told me that when I was thin, I would get everything I wanted. I would get the perfect boyfriend. The positive attention I craved, everything would be easier. But once I reached that goal weight, the target shifted. It was no longer the weight I had to change. Now it was something else: tone the butt, work out the thighs, fix the teeth. Now I realize it never would have been enough. My eating disorder would never be satisfied.
I need to find another target, a stagnant target. I’m excited to be starting in a body positive group. I’m ready to learn how to love my body the way it is because I realize that no matter how much I change my body, ED (my Eating Disorder) will never be happy.