Today I picked up the photos from my Boudoir photo shoot. I tried to dull my expectations and remind myself it was okay if I didn’t like the pictures. Sometimes it’s hard for me to look at my body and find the beauty in it. During my viewing at the studio, my heart raced as they showed me the first few photos. I hated the first shots, but in the end, I ended up loving 20 images. I didn’t know who that girl was on the screen. She looked like a model. She looked fearless. Was that me?
After a month of waiting, today is the day I get to view the final images. As I opened the box and pulled out the little black book, I was nervous. It’s hard for me to accept my new body. I’ve gained a lot of weight in recovery, and it’s difficult for me to see my new body. I read an article written by a plus sized blogger about how she did a boudoir shoot and it was cathartic for her. It helped her love her body and curves. I found a $30 Groupon and thought “why not?”.
But after a month of building these photos up, of remembering how great I looked. I was a little disappointed with the photos. I like the photos. Some of them I love. They weren’t all as amazing as I remembered. But in some of the photos I looked beautiful, sexy, ad fierce. Those were not words I would have used to describe my new body. I didn’t know if I would ever feel that way about this body, but some of these photos made me feel that way. It wasn’t a magic cure for my body image problems, but it was a big step forward. I’m trying to acknowledge and be proud of myself for my strides forward. Its’ hard for me to do that and in the darkest moments it feels like I’ve made no progress, but I have. So I should be proud.