I am fat

Today, I decided to embrace who I am. I’ve spent so much time trying to change my body, trying to mold it into something else and trying to hide what it really looks like.

I’m done. This is who I am. I have stretch marks. I have body fat. My arms giggle. So what? This is my body, and it gets me through the world. It allows me to adventure, love, and be here. I’m so appreciative for everything this vessel does for me.

Fat is not a dirty word. It’s descriptive. When someone says I’m tall, I do not deny it out of shame. I will no longer deny being fat out of shame.

I am fat, and I am beautiful. Period.

Weight loss isn’t always the answer

Symbols of weight loss and thin/fit people are ubiquitous. The ads for diet products and boot camps, the images we see on TV and in the media. They creep into our brains. We’re socialized to believe that being thin is better than being fat, and that’s not always the case.

I thought being thin would magically solve my problems, but it didn’t. I spent a lot of time thinking that being thin would make my life easier, and I did everything possible to reach that goal. I worked out for hours every day, starved myself, and in hindsight, it made my life a lot harder. I spent so much time trying to achieve my ideal body. I spent so much time thinking about how my body looked and what others thought of it. Instead of changing my body, I’ve learned to change my mindset.

This is something I learned in therapy. I challenge the voice in my head (ED or my Eating Disorder): Who said being fat is bad? Why do I think fat is a bad word? Who said fat people shouldn’t eat fast food? Why do I think my stomach is disgusting? As someone in my group put it, “What a strange thing to call a stomach disgusting”. ¬†Exactly! My body is a vessel, and it serves a function. It exists to get me around the world. When I was engaging in disordered behaviors, I bought into the messages society was selling. I’m ashamed to say I judged women based on their looks and weight. My weight isn’t something I value, and it’s no longer a priority for me to be thin. I have so much more time now to spend on my life.